Somehow today's youth ministry has become centered around the youth worker. Today's youth ministry is not centered on youth and it is not centered on the legal caregivers of youth. It is centered around the youth pastor. That is a bold statement but here is the proof. Who always speaks at most of the youth meetings? Who always plans the retreats? Who always attends the retreats? Who always coaches the small group leaders? Who goes on all the mission trips? The answer is, of course, you. That is why they pay you (if you are so lucky). They pay you because you are the gifted speaker, you are the one who knows the teenagers, you are the youth ministry expert.

The unintentional result of this set up is what would happen when you leave? A lot would change, right? At the church you are at right now, are you following what the previous youth worker did or did you institute a lot of change over time?

The end result really was instead of a youth ministry which focused on youth, it was a Brenda ministry which focused on me so I can work with youth--all with good intentions. You work with youth because you love youth and you believe in them. You have knowledge you want to dispel. You want the youth ministry to be successful. There are no selfish motives in you. But with the direction youth ministry as a whole is going, this is what it has become. We've got Brenda ministries, Joe ministries, Barry ministries, etc. This is not what any of us intended. That feeling may be what led you to this resource site.

Have you ever felt any of these gripes?

Even though I have millions of things going on, I am expected to remember a teen's birthday or if a teen had a band concert even though I wasn't asked to attend. It should be easy for me to keep track of 40 teen birthdays and the schedules of 9 different schools.

I'm always trying to schedule more one-on-one times with individual youth because I see that their faith walk needs that individual attention. But I can never seem to find the time to get to all of these individuals. That frustrates me to no end because I know I can do more.

You share your entire life with the teens, you have them meet your parents, stay at your house, meet your childhood friends, look through your high school yearbook, but asking a teen why he and his dad are not talking is too personal.

Nor will they listen to me when I tell them from my aged experience what these behaviors may lead to. I'm their friend but I don't know what it is like to be them. Since I am their friend, I am not supposed to be surprised when she cancels on youth group to spend time with another friend.

There is always that one teen who demands all of my time. Even though there are 30 other teens, I am expected to spend countless hours with just her. And I already do spend a lot of hours with her. She has been with me when I buy groceries so much that she can pick out what food I like. But that is still not enough.

When a teen graduates, even though you spent tons of time with him, the teen doesn't say thanks, doesn't call or doesn't even send an e-mail letting you know how college is going.

Then there are the dry cleaner parents. These are the parents who drop their child off at youth group and expect him/her to be returned all clean and proper and practically sealed in plastic. All in 90 minutes. You know that this is not realistic (and have probably complained about these kinds of parents) but has the set up of your youth program enabled the dry cleaner parents?

Relation-based youth ministry has brought us all this as well as youth ministries referred to as church orphaning structures. Why do your youth disappear after graduation? It is not because the church has a weak college and career program. It is because the now young adult's only connection to the church has been outgrown.

Youth ministry will always involve relationships. Relationships cannot be helped. We love teens. We are drawn to them. We want to know them. We can still have that and more when we work with the parents and the teen.

Family-based youth ministry is a model of many different forms but the core is the youth ministry being a place that ministers to the parent and the teen.

Maybe you've read the books on this model. Maybe you've had these thoughts stirring in your soul but want some practics on how this is being put into practice. Welcome. This is a working resource adding new ideas and new resources from people who are trying out this new youth ministry model. You may just add one idea from here to your current youth ministry or you may be inspired to a new youth ministry vision. Bookmark this page. Visit often. Submit material. We are here to help and inspire.